Toys R Us

We have all seen that mom at our local toy store-that mom, the one that is carrying her kicking and screaming child out the store. That mom that has that “poor child” begging her for just one toy. You probably still remember the look of devastation and sadness in that kid’s face. Perhaps you even thought of offering to buy him/her the toy yourself  just to make that precious child happy. That poor, poor baby- how could any mother do that? What a mean mom, horrible mother.

Before I had children of my own, I remember judging that mother, THAT mom, in so many evil ways. In my naïve mind her reluctance to buy him a toy indicated she must have been an abusive parent. If she behaved like that in public, Gd knows what she did to him behind closed doors.  The visual bothered me for days and anytime I would return to practically any store with items for kids, I was bound to see her, THAT mom again. 

I couldn’t help but think about THAT evil mom, as my daughter begged me to have a look inside the toy store, conveniently located next door to her gym. I told her we already bought a toy recently and she wasn’t going to get another one until next week. “I just want to look Mommy, promise!” After much reluctance, I compromised, making her promise again that we were just going to look. (Note to self, when your kid promises something record it and play it back for them when they deny ever having done so!) To save the full embarrassment of what transpired in that store that otherwise perfectly beautiful afternoon, I will sum up by saying I was now THAT mom. It was now me with the kicking and screaming kid, grasped in my arms, dashing out the store as if I had just robbed a bank.  It was now my child with the look of devastation, screaming with uncontrollable tears, grasping for a few breaths before each screech.  It was my parenting skills that were now being questioned by everyone in the store, perhaps wondering if I abuse this child at home. My goodness it was me, I had become THAT mom. 

Yet somehow, through it all, 7 powerful words saw me through- I am doing this all for you. Somehow, through it all, I wasn’t thinking about the people watching, or how painful her kicks were, or goodness how much my arms will hurt in a few hours. In my arms I was holding a three year old, but in my head I was talking to a young woman. In my arms I was holding someone I could protect and shelter, in my mind I was talking to someone who would have to protect herself. In my arms I was holding someone for whom I could make the world beautiful, in my mind I was talking to someone who would see the real world injustices for herself. In my arms I was holding someone whose environment I could control, in my mind was someone who would see not everything is in our hands.

 I was talking to my 14 year old daughter who didn’t make the varsity basketball team. I was talking to the 16 year old daughter of mine who just got rejected from her first job application.  I was talking to my 17 year old daughter who didn’t get her dream car. I was talking to my 18 year old daughter ho didn’t get into her dream college. I was talking to my 21 year old daughter who didn’t I was doing this all for her, yet she had no clue.

I was talking to her in my head and just knew I was making the right 

decision.  if I don’t do this now, when will you ever learn my sweet darling, when will you ever learn how to deal with hearing no? If I don’t do this now, precious angel, when will you learn that the world is not always going to give you what you want? While there aren’t enough toys in the world I could buy you to show you my love for you, when will you learn that love isn’t measured by materialism. While I would give my last cent to you and live on the street to make you happy, how will you learn that happiness doesn’t come from money if I don’t teach you now? When will you learn my angel, if I don’t teach you now?

And all the way home I heard it- “You don’t love me mommy.” “You didn’t buy me the toy I wanted so you don’t care about me.” I realized how children equate love with material possessions. I guess it starts here, but I also realize it must end here. I wish I could make her see how so many moms can shower their kids with endless toys but won’t get on their knees to play pretend baby with her. I wish I could tell her how when she gets older so many men will try to buy her love through fancy cars and jewelry but won’t want to love her when she’s 8 months pregnant, stretch marks galore and literally need their help down getting out of bed.

I need to teach her now so that she won’t be deceived into thinking love comes from material things. 

And more than teaching her about true love, I need to teach her how to cope with rejection. I need to get her ready for the first time she gets turned down from a job application. I need her to be ready for when she doesn’t make the team. I need her to be ready for when she doesn’t get her dream car.  And while she may not remember that one day when she was three mommy dragged her out of toys r us without a toy, she will remember that somehow she coped, somehow she moved on, and somehow she became all the more stronger for it.

While it’s easy to say yes, and clearly there are toys under $10 at any toy store, I want her to know it’s not about the money. Love is not about the money either.  It’s about learning to hear no, brushing ourselves off, and setting our goals on something even greater.

So, while I ask patience of my daughter, to understand why no will make her stronger, I also ask forgiveness of the mother I so foolishly judged. To her, I say, “Dear Toys R Us Mother, Gd knows if I could see you again I would hug you. I would tell you how strong you are, wise you are and how much better your child will be for what you have done all these years. I would tell you how much I admire you and would ask for you to forgive my nativity. And do know this- should I see you again it won’t be a toy for your kid I would want to buy but rather an hour long massage at your favorite spa.